Writing

I am writing a paper. Actually, I am writing two papers and a review, and the only thing that has a deadline is the review. Since I've been putting the review off for two years, I think that my current deadline is pretty soft, but for argument's sake, let's say that it's January 10th. Of the two papers, one is very nearly finished, and the other is a good rough draft, and I wrote them when I had another deadline for a grant proposal. I can write under pressure from outside sources. I cannot write when the pressure comes from my own idea of a deadline.

Why?

I like to procrastinate. This is how a typical stint of work goes for me, when there are no deadlines...I swear a lot, and I'm not editing for content here.

Okay. No email. Don't log on to the email, and you won't know if anyone is writing to you. If no one is writing, then you don't have to reply. If you think of something you want to say to someone, you can send email at 3:03p.m. If you miss that time, then you can wait until 5:48p.m. Ready? It's 10:30 in the morning, you've had your coffee, you went to the bathroom, the laptop is screaming for attention. Yes, there are dishes in the sink but you are really good at ignoring those.

Get a cookie. Eat it. Get another one because the first one was amazing. Get a glass of water. Eat another cookie. Let the dog out and stare out the window, in fact, stand on the porch because even though it is December 22 and you are in Canada, the grass is green and the weather is cooperating with a balmy 6deg C. The dog is doing nothing but sniffing the grass, until she spots two fat squirrels and then she's after them. She runs into the fence, which provides no end of hilarity, and then retreats to the house again, defeated by small creatures who can outrun and outclimb her. She's 11, after all.

It's 10:45. Open the laptop. Login to email. Yes, we know what we said to ourself, but we have no discipline and I forgot to tell my aunt that the box arrived from her place, and BestFriend1 needs an update, BestFriend2 is doing last-minute packing before getting out of London...and he's lucky he's not flying out of Heathrow this weekend, but out of Paris instead....so must find out what is on in their worlds. Remember to mail cheque to sister who accidentally double-clicked on some presents for the kids, and now we have copies of them but since those are useful for birthday parties and the like, I'm keeping them for a later date. Write out cheque and put it in a nice envelope with a Christmas card that we haven't sent because we were procrastinating about something else. Oh well, more for next year. Eat another cookie and refill the water. Look at the pile of paper on the desk, and realize that even though it's just the introduction to the paper that needs editing, the introduction is torture, because the introduction has to be succinct and yet still include 40 references (or so) to other works that support your ideas, or refute them, as is appropriate. Usually you want stuff that supports what you're doing.

Slug through a couple of paragraphs, organize 15 references, use Endnote to get them into the right format, check email, check The Fug Girls, stare out the window at the driveway, because you're in the basement and the pavement is fascinating at this time of year. Sigh deeply. Realize that it's almost lunch time and that lunch is so much more interesting than the stuff you're writing about.

And the day goes on, with a lot of wandering around the web and such, reading things that have nothing to do with the work or just staring vacantly, hoping time will pass, which it inevitably does.

Procrastination is representative, in my case anyway, of a fear of success, or a fear of being judged, or both. My work is good, I know that it is, but I also know that if I submit a paper or a grant proposal, that other people will read it and criticize it. Normally I don't mind this, and I especially don't mind it when any of my other written work is submitted for criticism. The science work though, is a problem because I don't like to think that people are reading it and wondering what kind of an idiot I am. I'm not dumb, but it's hard to believe that when you've submitted work that requires criticism, and the work is supposed to be analytical and objective. It's different if the work is subjective or creative, because then I'd rather have the criticism, I'd rather know how to fix it. The science stuff? I'd rather it just get accepted and be done with it.

I don't fear failure, on the other hand. And I quite like success actually. I don't like judgement, and even there I'm much better than I used to be, where judgement on any platform was terrifying. Now we've reduced it to just the paper-writing. Which I should get back to, because there are only 25 references here, and I know that more are pertinent.

One day, I should write something funny. I actually can write funny, I just haven't yet.