Writing

I am writing a paper. Actually, I am writing two papers and a review, and the only thing that has a deadline is the review. Since I've been putting the review off for two years, I think that my current deadline is pretty soft, but for argument's sake, let's say that it's January 10th. Of the two papers, one is very nearly finished, and the other is a good rough draft, and I wrote them when I had another deadline for a grant proposal. I can write under pressure from outside sources. I cannot write when the pressure comes from my own idea of a deadline.

Why?

I like to procrastinate. This is how a typical stint of work goes for me, when there are no deadlines...I swear a lot, and I'm not editing for content here.

Okay. No email. Don't log on to the email, and you won't know if anyone is writing to you. If no one is writing, then you don't have to reply. If you think of something you want to say to someone, you can send email at 3:03p.m. If you miss that time, then you can wait until 5:48p.m. Ready? It's 10:30 in the morning, you've had your coffee, you went to the bathroom, the laptop is screaming for attention. Yes, there are dishes in the sink but you are really good at ignoring those.

Get a cookie. Eat it. Get another one because the first one was amazing. Get a glass of water. Eat another cookie. Let the dog out and stare out the window, in fact, stand on the porch because even though it is December 22 and you are in Canada, the grass is green and the weather is cooperating with a balmy 6deg C. The dog is doing nothing but sniffing the grass, until she spots two fat squirrels and then she's after them. She runs into the fence, which provides no end of hilarity, and then retreats to the house again, defeated by small creatures who can outrun and outclimb her. She's 11, after all.

It's 10:45. Open the laptop. Login to email. Yes, we know what we said to ourself, but we have no discipline and I forgot to tell my aunt that the box arrived from her place, and BestFriend1 needs an update, BestFriend2 is doing last-minute packing before getting out of London...and he's lucky he's not flying out of Heathrow this weekend, but out of Paris instead....so must find out what is on in their worlds. Remember to mail cheque to sister who accidentally double-clicked on some presents for the kids, and now we have copies of them but since those are useful for birthday parties and the like, I'm keeping them for a later date. Write out cheque and put it in a nice envelope with a Christmas card that we haven't sent because we were procrastinating about something else. Oh well, more for next year. Eat another cookie and refill the water. Look at the pile of paper on the desk, and realize that even though it's just the introduction to the paper that needs editing, the introduction is torture, because the introduction has to be succinct and yet still include 40 references (or so) to other works that support your ideas, or refute them, as is appropriate. Usually you want stuff that supports what you're doing.

Slug through a couple of paragraphs, organize 15 references, use Endnote to get them into the right format, check email, check The Fug Girls, stare out the window at the driveway, because you're in the basement and the pavement is fascinating at this time of year. Sigh deeply. Realize that it's almost lunch time and that lunch is so much more interesting than the stuff you're writing about.

And the day goes on, with a lot of wandering around the web and such, reading things that have nothing to do with the work or just staring vacantly, hoping time will pass, which it inevitably does.

Procrastination is representative, in my case anyway, of a fear of success, or a fear of being judged, or both. My work is good, I know that it is, but I also know that if I submit a paper or a grant proposal, that other people will read it and criticize it. Normally I don't mind this, and I especially don't mind it when any of my other written work is submitted for criticism. The science work though, is a problem because I don't like to think that people are reading it and wondering what kind of an idiot I am. I'm not dumb, but it's hard to believe that when you've submitted work that requires criticism, and the work is supposed to be analytical and objective. It's different if the work is subjective or creative, because then I'd rather have the criticism, I'd rather know how to fix it. The science stuff? I'd rather it just get accepted and be done with it.

I don't fear failure, on the other hand. And I quite like success actually. I don't like judgement, and even there I'm much better than I used to be, where judgement on any platform was terrifying. Now we've reduced it to just the paper-writing. Which I should get back to, because there are only 25 references here, and I know that more are pertinent.

One day, I should write something funny. I actually can write funny, I just haven't yet.

This Time of Year

I suppose that I should comment on This Time of Year, but I actually have little to say about it. There are many things to do, and many people talk about the Things To Do, and then we all do them, we say we won't do it again this way, and then next year we do it again. It's gotten to the point of not being particularly interesting. Christmas is many things, and "busy" is what many people call it. Until we moved, we didn't have much in the way of obligations at Christmas, and quite frankly, that was very pleasant. Presents were opened, a meal was eaten, otherwise there were no parties to go to, no family to visit, just hanging out together. This year will be different but in the big scheme of things, pretty low key compared to most people who have more obligations.

So it's a boring thing to talk about, This Time of Year, and I probably won't bother bringing up the topic again. Yes, the children are excited, and the various family members fuel that excitement. I am looking forward to the days off when I can work without interruption...or so I hope...and what?? work during The Holidays?? Yes. I like my work as much as I like my holidays, and besides, I have things due in January and the dates aren't going away.

I'm not depressed about the season or anything like that, it's just that I don't think it's necessary to blog about all the things I'm doing or the shopping or the eating or the worry about money etc. etc. Or the fact that I'm sending out my Christmas cards today.

One Extreme to Another

The last post concerned a tarot card, not something I believe in, but an interesting little diversion. I don't think that any one "thing" can predict the future, and if you need to be told what you're like (i.e. what card are you?) then you've got other problems that need addressing. Or at least that's my take on it, and I'm a judgemental sort so don't go getting all in a knot because I think you've got issues because you need someone/thing else to tell you about yourself.

Today's topic instead concerns The Church, and you know that if I capitalize it, that I mean The Holy Roman Catholic Church, an institution to which I belong and which I attend regularly. My children attend a Catholic school that is attached to the church we attend. We go to the early mass on Sunday mornings, because what the hell, we're up anyway, it's finished early and we can get on with the day. If you're reading this and thinking "Oh! a found member of the flock! We can talk about The Pope! about finding Jesus in your heart!" (and why I think enthusiastic Christians/Catholics only speak in excalamations I don't know).

You would be far, far from the truth, however, if you believed me to be a card-carrying Christian. Now I think that it's quite possible that Jesus existed, seeing as there's a fairly detailed book out there all about his life and times, however, I do not for an instant believe that he's the only teacher that's ever existed, and that there haven't been some outstanding spiritual teachers both before and after his existence. So let's get the first thing straight: I don't accept Jesus into my heart as my one and only true saviour, although he's pretty good and there's a lot of documentation regarding his words and what he preached. Sadly, not very many people read everything that he preached, and the bibles in print now also make things very easy, they take out the "difficult" language and put in simple words that may or may not capture the essence of his teachings. There's no way to tell except to go back to the original documents, and that's mostly not possible. So a lot of what was said has been reinterpreted, rewritten...oh, and all by men. Which is great, if you're a man. Not so good if you're not, and I happen not to be, so I take a lot of what's in the bible (both old and new testaments) with a grain of salt or two. After a while, you get to liking salt quite a bit when you're immersed in the bible, and then that salt business gets rather tired.

Okay, so the first premise is that I'm not a particularly stellar Christian. I do the Christian things, I do Christmas and Easter for example. I like a good leg of lamb at Easter, and a goose or some other fowl that isn't turkey at Christmas. I let my kids say grace at every meal because they think it's fun. And I go to church.

I love going to church, but I love it for all the "wrong" reasons. I love it because it is utterly steeped in pagan rituals, from the chanting of the Lord's Prayer and the Apostle's Creed, to the little prayers and rituals that the priest performs before he takes the host and the cup of wine. Standupsitdownkneel? ritual. Singing? Just another form of chanting, although sometimes the hymns have rather dour lyrics and aren't particularly uplifting. When we baptized the kids I could not believe how pagan it all seemed. At the time we hadn't been attending church at all, and we've gone from never going to going every week and sometimes more than once a week. Here we are at the cusp of Christmas, and you can be that since Christmas eve falls on a Sunday, we're going to church twice, plus Christmas morning. Can you say fanatic?

No, but what you can say is I love a good spiritual experience, and I'm addicted to ritual. And maybe pagan has been the wrong word here, but some aspects of attending the church have definitely felt that way. One things I've noticed is that I think that the Catholic church (and probably every other Christian sect) could use a healthy dose of non-attachment (cue the Buddhists). The main message in Christianity is "let Jesus into your heart, let him guide you through life etc etc...." although I guess the etc. part is probably not accurate, but you get the idea. At the same time, there seems to be no balance, it's all or nothing all the time. If you don't do it right, you've sinned. We all sin, all the time. I can live with that, and I have the advantage that if I go to confession, I get the opportunity to clean the slate and start again. Thing is, as quickly as one leaves the confessional one is on the way to sinning...but this isn't my point. What I really think is that, if at all possible, those of the Christian faith should really take some time, meditate, sit somewhere and ponder, not Jesus or God, but a foray into nonattachment in order that the acceptance of Christ becomes more attainable. If that's what you're after, that is, because you may find, once you clear your mind...and oh it's so easy haha...that Christ is not so easy to follow. His words weren't so simple and his ideal is a really, really difficult act to follow. Even getting to the point of being able to accept the teachings without being attached to them would take years, and I suppose that this is an issue for Christianity, especially because quick conversion (hello missionaries!) is one of its mainstays.

Nothing spiritual is easy. Simple perhaps. The edicts for Christians are simple: follow Christ, "be a Christian", all is well. And I am using Christianity because I have experience with that, not because I think it's the best path, and I actually don't think it's the best path, as stated above.

I have a lot more to say about this, but I should post it already and get some actual work done.

which card are you?

Sometimes it's a nice diversion to do something kind of stupid and find out what you are based on a questionnaire.

Yes, because of course, you don't know who you are already, and having a stupid card thing tell you is almost the same as figuring it out by yourself. And besides, when the stupid card thing tells you how fabulous you are, it's better to believe in that than doubt it.

You are The Wheel of Fortune

Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of
intoxication with success

The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out

Another term done

It's not quite done, there's an exam to administer, but the teaching part is done. I do like teaching quite a lot, and I guess it shows because on Monday, about 100 (1/3 of my class showed up for the last 8:30 on a Monday morning class of the term) first year students stood up and applauded after I finished my course overview. I've been teaching for a while now, and that's the first time I've gotten an ovation for doing so. I'll save the pat on the back for when I need it.

Teaching well at the university level isn't a difficult thing to do, but it takes patience and organization. It takes a great deal of thought and empathy. If you walk into a room and shut yourself up for a few seconds, to take a few seconds to get the feel of the room, you'll know beforehand whether your lecture is going to fall flat or not. I had one class once where four of the eight students really disliked me, and there was nothing I could do about that. Longest thirteen weeks of my career, and teaching evaluations to prove it....lower scores than normal. This was a fourth-year course, too, so you'd think that the students wouldn't be so interested in what they felt about me as they were in getting through, getting out, getting to grad school or jobs or wherever they were going. It was personal, they didn't like me, and every misstep, every small mistake (hey, profs make mistakes! go figure!) was amplified. At the same time it didn't particularly bother me, because there's not much you can do to make people like you. I have been told that students either really, really like me, or really really dislike me. I think that's fine, I'd rather the extremes than inspire ambivalence.

As I say though, it doesn't matter one way or another whether the students like me or not. It's more important that they're getting the information they need and that they are learning something...or at least, that learning is available to them, because then they can choose to learn or not. This is the advantage of teaching adults, they have choices. I couldn't teach younger kids, I don't have the patience for that and I don't have the touchy-feely attitude about teaching. I do have a "take it or leave it" approach, and I'm not the best prof ever. Teaching science is more about talking about topics that are intangible, giving notes, giving lectures. It's not about discussions very often. It's not about "how does this make you feel?". It's about facts, and relaying facts in as interesting and captivating a manner as possible.

And sometimes, it's about spending Friday night with champagne and the laptop, making notes for Monday.

I made myself into a crystallographer because a friend of mine who was doing her PhD a little before me suggested that above and beyond being a synthetic chemist, I should think about having a secondary, necessary technical skill that would make me indispensible somehow. Her specialty was nuclear magnetic resonance spectroscopy, her "supplement" to being a synthetic chemist. Nowadays we all cross boundaries, and nobody is simply one thing or another. The dividing lines in science have all softened so that we can cross over or go down the hall or across campus to ask someone something we don't know. and then we collaborate, and we do this across the country, across borders, as necessary.

So now I'm a chemist, but I never call myself a crystallographer, I let other people do that.

I'm a lot of things and I try not to be stuck with any one label. I knit, for example, and I knit quite well, but I'm not particularly interested in designing. Not that I can't, and not that I haven't, but mostly that it takes a long time and I don't have a lot in the way of spare time. And this then inspires the question: why do the blog, if you don't have spare time?

Why do this? I am doing it because I want to write things, keep a record. Right now I feel like putting my opinions out in public. I may not always be motivated to do this, but I am motivated to do it right now. I don't know why. Exhibitionist? Possibly. Curiosity? Perhaps. A public forum...inasmuch as a blog is public if no one is actually reading it...is not a threat if it's an anonymous public forum. Therefore the "no names" policy on here. I won't name names because no one has given me their permission to use their names or information about them. And so I can be Hilary, and my best friends and family will get their monikers as the need arises, and I probably won't talk about where I work except in a very roundabout way or to rant about something stupid, and I won't tell you very much about my children except that there are two of them.

And this introduction stuff will stop soon.

on the news:

I am watching the liberal leadership campaign here on the CBC, and Michael Ignatieff has just given the last speech of the night. It will be interesting tomorrow; Ignatieff has been the leader in this race for a while, but I really, really prefer Bob Rae. First ballots run tonight, and there are rumours that Joe Volpe will cross to Bob Rae's camp, pulling Rae up closer to Ignatieff. Now, as far as Gerard Kennedy and Stephane Dion, who are tied more or less for third...hell, I'd rather see any of them rather than Ignatieff. And Ignatieff is really smart, and I do love the smart boys, but he's been out of the country for most of his adult life, and I don't believe that, outside of his own invented foreign outlook, he really knows the country very well.

As far as the politics go, and descriptions of the Liberal convention and its eventual outcome, Rick Mercer does a far better and far more entertaining job than I'll ever do. He was there after all. (Dec. 5/06)