No time like the present

An update, finally. Brenda Ueland (author of If You Want to Write) says that if you want to write (and I do) you must do it truthfully, from the heart. I can try. Right now I'm not sure what I have to write here, so we'll see what happens.

The Tired gets to me. I should be all happy that I'm finished treatments, that I have some hair, that I go to work and that work is giving me a real for real job, finally. I am grateful for these things, and it is really nice to have my own hair to play around with. I bleached it before we went to Cuba in February, and now it's growing out and sort of half bleachy-blond, half my own weird sort of dark blond colour. Having my own hair is awesome.

But still, I am tired and quite depressed a lot of the time, although not usually when I'm with other people, when both the Tired and the depression lift while I'm distracted. I can do my work, my brain isn't totally fried in that regard, but I'm finding certain regular life tasks to be too challenging. For example, if I want to go somewhere that I haven't been to before, I will look at a map. Normal. Then I get in the car, and wheeeeee! map and information are gone. I usually drive around for a while until I figure out where I'm supposed to be going, but really? I think I should be able to remember things. I try now to concentrate very hard when people are giving me information, so that I can keep the information in my head long enough to act on it. So far, not working too well. I may have to start taking notes when people talk to me.

Next week I go and meet with someone to talk about genetic testing. I sort of doubt that I'll be eligible for any testing, unless I pay for it...but I think that my extended health will cover it. You need to have more than one other person in your family with cancer in order for the genetic test to be covered, and if it comes back that the BRCA1 (or 2) genes are mutated then what? have the other breast removed? Maybe. Tough question. It's sort of weird to have one, but to have none? Couple that with the fact that I do not like surgery one little bit, and it's an even tougher question. When I meet with the counsellor I suspect more information will be available, but as I said, I don't think that there's enough of a link to say that I possess mutated genes. There's cancer in my family, but there are several kinds so there might not be anything predictable.

Back in November and December I had the radiation treatment, six weeks of it. Very unpleasant, and I'm still dealing with problems from that, although I'm doing pretty well. I think it depends on your frame of reference. I was perfectly healthy and in relatively good shape before I was diagnosed with cancer, and now I'm not so much with the good health or good shape. I recently noticed that I might be undergoing some weight gain, I suspect from the tamoxifen that I'm taking. No hormones to keep my metabolism up. These things are all weighing me down and I'm not sure how to get past them yet. I have been availing myself of some services at the cancer centre, talking to a social worker, an occupational health nurse and a physiotherapist. Wow. That actually sounds like I've got a battalion of people looking after me, although I don't really. I saw the occupational health nurse about the lymphedema and I haven't had to go back to her, plus that has subsided for now. The physiotherapist is because I have some muscle damage from the radiation, but she gave me a bunch of exercises to do to help out, and I will see her again at the end of April. The social worker is sort of an ongoing thing, but in some respects isn't really helping or doing much of anything. If I need something at the centre though, she's really helpful at getting people to return my calls and give me appointments.

I'm not really getting anywhere with this post, which is what I was afraid would happen once I started writing. It's like I can't focus on any one idea, so I sort of wander around until I am tired of writing or until I can't remember what my point was. I think I was going to talk about some of the recent issues I've had with getting better...but I find they are elusive, or maybe I'm just not ready to put them down yet. I do know that I have recently found out that if you compare me to the general public, I am what health care professionals refer to as an "A-type" personality. I never in my life have thought of myself as that! however, I am usually comparing myself to my siblings, who are crazy intense (or more than half of my siblings are crazy intense), or my colleagues, who are also crazy intense. Compared to them, I feel so slow and lazy! compared to the rest of the world, I move at the speed of light. Still, I am finding it funny that I never have seen myself as an A-type. Should I have? Yes, I like to have at least five things on the go at the same time. Yes, I like things to be done my way, or if not, then a way that is agreeable. I am opinionated. Intense. But "A"? hmph. Who knew.

Now, it's getting late and I'm very tired. The wave has just hit, I can explain that another day, but when I feel the wave crash over me, it's time to give in.