Random Saturday Musings

There is a space in between being one place and another. When you are away from your regular life, you live as yourself with no encumbrances until you have to reconnect with that life. You can be who you want, and most of the time, if you are happy, you will be yourself. Being oneself without anyone else is an interesting phenomenon; I remember when I first left home and hearth to find out that I didn't know who I was and thus, that I didn't know how to behave in the most simple situations. I don't feel that way any more.

When I return home I always need a decompression time, to reacclimatize myself to my surroundings. Suddenly people need me and are so happy to see me, and yet I don't feel the same thrill to see them. I don't want them near me and I have nothing to give them. It takes a few hours, and then I remember who I am and my responsibilities toward them, but for a while it's like I've landed in a new country where everyone knows the language except me. Eventually I learn it and settle back into routines. I ignore the mess, the dog hair, the overgrown garden, the perceived neediness. I appreciate the little card and the smile and the hugs.

But when I first return, I don't. I want to push them all away until I'm ready. I don't want to talk about my trip or where I've been or who I've talked to or about what.

What is this space in between? I don't know if everyone feels this, although I know that when he first gets home from work, Hub doesn't want to talk and needs some space. Is it simply needing space....? but for what? You need space to find out who you are again. You've been defining yourself by yourself, and you need to find out again where you belong amid the chaos.

I remember being away once and commenting to someone, "I could get on this plane home and keep going, not go back, you know? It would be so easy." He didn't know what I meant, he had no desire except to go home to his wife and family, and I made the mistake of thinking that a man would understand how I felt. I should have realized that only another woman would understand this need to flee....to keep going away from being needed or being necessary or being everything to other people. To reinvent and never think of what has been left behind.

Of course you can't just leave it forever, you would never leave it behind. You just think that you could keep wandering away from where you were needed, to find yourself needed somewhere else.

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I mentioned to a couple of people this past week that I attend mass. Partly I do this for the reaction, because as BF1 said, "It really puts people off, doesn't it?" and it does, especially scientists. They do not take this news well. I remember my PhD supervisor's wife saying, "It's just someone telling you how to live. You can figure out how to live, what's right and wrong, all by yourself." I don't agree with this for every person. Many people absolutely need to be told what to do and what is right and wrong and how to live. The 10 Commandments are a pretty good place to start, quite frankly (if you're of a Christian persuasion) because they tell you not to kill things or people, not to steal stuff and not to be a pain in the ass. What's so wrong with that? Learning about spirituality and that which is beyond us? not bad. You don't have to believe it, but maybe you feel something in yourself that is not concrete, that goes beyond the table you can rap with your knuckles.

Let me assure you, it has nothing to do with god (the main Christian deity or otherwise), for me. It's all about the development of other senses, of meditating and considering my life and where I'd like it to go.
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The Globe & Mail is all over The Crystal at the ROM, and quite frankly, I think they need to go outside and have another look and shut the fuck up. Yes, it interrupts the senses and yes, it's over budget and over time (uh, excuse me, but what reno isn't?) and yes it's not just another storefront along Bloor Street....but why the hell should it be? And why the hell should the architect (Lee? I can't remember his damn name and I should really know it...ah! I'll clarify it below) have stuck to the original building? Have you the outside of the old ROM? Boring. Have you seen the crystal from Bloor? Arresting. Enough said. It's not beautiful, but so little architecture is. It stops the eye, it is an interruption to an otherwise relentless vista of shopping and condos. I don't see the crime.
(edited on Monday: I added the link to today's article, and one of the primary sources of funding is a guy named Lee-Chin, who's now a Torontonian, born in Jamaica. The architect is Daniel Libeskind, he of Bilbao fame.)