Not $40M Richer

No lottery winnings this morning; we have not joined the League of Millionaires. This should not be surprising, but it always is. When I buy lottery tickets, I expect to win.

A couple of days ago I went to the Employment Insurance Seminar presented by Services Canada. I didn't just go to this because it occurred to me that it might be a good idea (because that wouldn't have occurred to me) but because I was instructed to do so, and to appear in a room with 14 other hapless souls who find themselves unemployed at a specific time "otherwise we would not be admitted and we would have to explain very carefully exactly why we missed the seminar". In other words, it would be like truancy and without your hall pass you were not going to be excused.

The seminar was much more benign that I thought it would be, which is good because I have an insanely overactive imagination. Rather than the fire-breathing dragon that I envisioned at the front of the room, it was just a nice woman who read from sheets of paper while she pushed the button on the laptop to get the powerpoint presentation to move along. After she finished that, and finished telling us all where to go to find a job because 80% of jobs just aren't advertised and don't think you will find a job by sitting at home looking at a computer screen, we each had to meet with her. There were 14 or 15 people there, and I knew that three people arrived after I did, so that meant that if I'd arrived 15 minutes earlier, I would have been able to leave 20 minutes earlier than I did.

Most of the participants wanted to get out quickly, and since the interviews were conducted in the same room as we were all sitting, I amused myself by reading the lips of the people being interviewed and finding out their stories. Most people were talking quietly enough so the rest of us couldn't hear -- I think. If you had more hearing maybe you'd have heard more than me; it's not like I was asking anyone, "Hey, did you catch that last phrase? Did he say he'd been looking for work at Banana Republic, or that his aunt had finally gone public?"

Most of the people, including the facilitator, just wanted to move along and get out of there, but you know that there has to be one person, the new-agey 45+ woman, on the verge of menopause but not quite there and who talks to you very seriously while looking you straight in the eye, and while pulling her Bali shawl around her shoulders, bracelets clinking and earrings swinging, you know that this one is going to sit there and tell her life story. She'll do it in very hushed tones, because this type can save energy by not speaking too loudly and thus keep it going for a long time, seemingly without breath. Amazing to watch, mesmerizing in fact, until you realize that three people could have gone in the amount of time she's taking. What on earth could possibly be so important, or need so much explanation? I waited for her to burn some incense to rid the room of banal spirits (they were legion, you could feel them coiling around your ankles) but no, she didn't get to do that. After 10 minutes I tried my best Stare of Indignation, hoping for some good ol' spontaneous combustion, but she was impervious. When she stood up, several people gasped with anticipation, but I knew it was a ruse. (I used to be involved in tai chi, and it was a place where the woowoo nutbars gathered to spread their joyless Search for Meaning in Life. They could talk your head off, nodding, smiling, never letting you get a word in edgewise...and they would do this thing, the standing up so you know I know that you want me to leave, but really, I just have to tell you 10 more things about How to Find God...) I knew she had another five or 10 minutes of Her Story to finish.....before she would finally gather her things and swing out of the room. When I left she was speaking earnestly with one of the Women Behind the Counter; she looked like she had another good hour of soul-sucking conversation ahead of her.

The Women Behind the Counter by the way, are very powerful. If ever you find yourself at a Service Canada office, make sure that the Woman Behind the Counter takes a shine to you. Be very nice to them, and they will make your life easy. Piss them off and pay dearly.