It Ends with Little Fanfare

Or at least, thus far it is ending with little fanfare. Stay tuned, because tomorrow it really ends. "It" being the last of classes. I am trying to make a lecture for tomorrow, and I have thus far been slogging for three hours, with nothing to show for it. It's supposed to be an overview, and these are the easiest lectures to make, because I'm just summarizing everything we've done. Hmph. Not so easy for me when it's organic chemistry and when I'm changing the format to lump everything under slightly different headings. I should really be working on it, but I am distracted and anxious. It's Tuesday of the week after Things Should Be Decided at the academic institution at which I applied. It's been just over a month, could we please make a decision people? My life is hanging in the balance here and I need to know if I should apply for the job at the bakery up the road.

Quite frankly, there are days that I think that kneading dough all day would be the most fantastic thing ever. No big decisions, no grant proposals, no panic. Just yummy dough.

Last week I found out that my NSERC grant was renewed, so I'm safe there. I let the people at the possible new job place know that I'd secured my funding. This may or may not make a difference. Who the hell knows. It actually should, because then I can focus on the other huge proposal that has to go in this fall for the instrumentation necessary for me to do my work (and to help out with the work of others in the department).

Really. Should I worry? I should be far more confident than I am. I already have grant money (not a lot, but enough to get started), I know how to teach well, I have been on oodles of committees, I've graduated lots of students. On paper, and when I say all this, it looks like I should be a shoe-in, right? So how come I don't feel that way?

Maybe because I interviewed like a brick. Granted, a lighter brick than usual, but still, brick. Sinking to the bottom of the river, fast.

So, in order to focus on the lecture for tomorrow (which I am clearly doing as I write the blog entry) I have decided that beer is the best aid. In the last 10 minutes, I have gulped one of these darlings, (Tankhouse Ale) and I am soon to open another. I think that will be enough, as one has to be careful to maintain the fine line between focussed and loaded. I don't have to cook supper because I went to the poultry market and picked up one of their chicken pies, which are better than any chicken pie I could make (and I make fantastic pies. That bakery idea? It's not half-baked.) and besides, cooking tonight would be a waste of an hour. Not that it matters because I can't think to save my life tonight.

In other news, I am attempting a more local diet. This means buying food as close to home as possible, within 100km if it can be done. Obviously vanilla won't be within the radius, and if you think I'm giving up vanilla you are on crack...it is the most necessary baking flavour ever extracted. Spices all around are a bit of a problem, except for those we can grow, which right now we can't especially because it's supposed to snow all weekend. Hello! Easter here! Easter Bunny would rather not hop through the snow to deliver the baskets! but whatever. I won't care, I'll be done classes and note-making. Dear Sweet Christ Upon The Cross I am so glad I will not have to do this any more.

At least, until the next time I have to do it.

I shouldn't even be thinking about hearing about the job this week anyway. Once the dept makes the decision, it has to be okay'd by the dean, and that won't happen immediately...especially if it's me and the dean says, "Why are you picking the person I didn't meet? I liked the other one better." .... and in the interest of my sanity, we will not go there.

OH! it's also the week of course evaluations, my most very favourite time. Actually, it's not so painful as first term, and we just got those evaluations a week ago. What a farce. This term we're making the students do paper evaluations rather than the online fiasco they did first term, and so the secretary types up the comments and I get them same day. So let's see, from the grab bag: "She's totally unapproachable for questions, doesn't welcome them at all." "She's so helpful and always answers every question." "Excellent prof." "I can't stand her."

The class is bonkers? No, this is typical, especially of first year. In upper-year classes I get excellent reviews because by then they realize how lucky they are to have me as their prof. That's not ego talking (see fourth paragraph. I don't suffer from egocentricity.) because it's true. Mostly, I will answer all of the questions put to me, even the stupid ones that show me you slept through the entire term. "Mostly" because there are some questions that are so insane that I get offended. Apparently when I am offended, you don't need to be told how I feel, it comes off of me in waves. Even if you are useless at reading people, even if you can't understand body language to save your life, you will understand me. Instantaneously.

So this is where I am: anxiously waiting to hear whether I am still a prof or not. Anxious about tomorrow being the last day of class, and at 5:08p.m. I still have nothing to talk about tomorrow. Thus, we shall pour another beer and see if all this shite can be brought together to a coherent whole. If not, well, what the hell. They've already evaluated me.