I don't hear so good anymore....

When I was in my late 20's, I started to notice that if I was under a lot of stress, the ringing in my ears would get loud. I noticed that if we went to a social or a bar, that I'd come home with ringing in my head that would last well into the next afternoon.

Obviously, I wasn't handling loud noises very well.

Other people pointed out that they had to repeat things too often, and they would get fed up with doing it. I didn't realize that I couldn't hear, I thought that they weren't speaking clearly. Not my fault. After a few more years, things got a little worse, although I still didn't know that I wasn't hearing well. One day at work the hearing people came around to check on the guys in the plant to make sure that their hearing wasn't deteriorating from the plant noises. I figured I should get my ears tested too, since people (especially ex-husband, although he'd complain about anything about me) were pointing out more and more often that they had to repeat in order for me to understand.

When the technician came around the corner and looked in my face and said, "Do you think you have a hearing problem?" "Yes!" I yelped.... and she gave me the names of a couple of ear, nose and throat specialists (why not audiologists, I don't know. I guess she figured I had a physical problem). I picked one and went to see him, and he was nice enough, said I had too much wax in my ears, cleaned them out and then did a test, and told me that no, I couldn't hear very well, but it wasn't too too bad. At the time, hearing aids were broad spectrum affairs that amplified all noises, unsuitable for me because what I was missing were the high-end sounds. While you might think that it's noise damage (too many rock concerts) that's not the problem, because noise damage usually results in the loss of a specific frequency, and my particular loss seemed to be high end, then trailing off so that I could hear lower frequencies perfectly.

Okay, no hearing aids. This was about 15 years ago, and of course my hearing didn't improve, and ex-husband didn't get any nicer about it, speaking to me like I was an idiot (and yes I'm bitter, very much so, thank you) and over-compensating to mouth words slowly and loudly. I didn't need that kind of attention, I only needed for people to look at me when they spoke so that the sound was directed toward me. Of course I was also learning to read lips, but this wasn't a conscious thing, I just realized I could do it after a while.

Eventually I got rid of ex-husband and eventually hearing aid technology caught up with my type of problem. Hearing aids are no longer broad spectrum amplifiers but can be built to be more frequency-specific. They have directional microphones. They are quite amazing little machines now...and they have a quite amazing little price tag associated with them also. Since I'm relatively young on the hearing loss scale......my ears maybe 90 years old but I'm not...... I get the very high-end devices. I have had a couple of pairs of the things and my current pair is getting on in age and probably need to be replaced. They wear out eventually, unlike eyeglasses. The batteries last 10 days usually, not much more, so I am constantly aware of when I change the batteries, and having some with me just in case.

When I'm at work I need to be able to hear, but I can't always. When I first start teaching a new class, I warn the students that if they have a question they really have to belt it out, because I can't understand them if they don't yell (and I can't see their mouths move, although I don't usually say that part). I work on a combo lip-reading/interpretation of what I hear, so sometimes even with close attention I can't understand what is said to me. This might be cured by getting a new pair of hearing aids; I don't really have $3K for a new set, although if things have deteriorated enough so that I'm labelled as "disabled" then I'll get a price break of 50%. And if you think that hoping for a disability is crass, then feel free to be on one side of the very thin line and pay full price. Being "almost disabled" isn't really my dream happy place.

People sometimes think that I'm much more interested in them than I actually am. In order for me to hear clearly, I need to be able to see the mouth move as well as hear the sounds it makes, and this means that I pay full attention to a face as it's speaking. So you can imagine that anyone would take this as interest. Much of the time it's not, much of the time people are relating a boring story with maybe one or two interesting elements. Sadly, they don't know this if they're relating the story to me.

(My friends should not become paranoid at this point. Trust me darlings, if you were boring I would tell you.)

What I hear is sort of like what you would hear with a good pair of headphones on your head, with no sound on. No high-pitched whining, no clink of glasses, no cell phones, no high pitched screeching by the darlings....well, actually, they've figured out a good way to screech so anyone can hear them, but I don't get the full force of it.

The first time I encountered someone who didn't hear well and who didn't have his hearing aids in, it took me a while to realize that he was staring at me while I talked because he couldn't hear me. After about 10 minutes into our conversation, I looked at him and I said, "You can't hear me, can you?" and he was a bit embarassed, having left his hearing aids at home and being at a bit of a loss. It's disconcerting to see someone stare at you like that when you're speaking, and I don't know what I look like to other people, but getting a taste of it was an odd experience. I can't stop my behaviour unless you want me to continue to mistake a simple statement like, "We really need to sweep the floor" with "Free me knees pee up the bore".

Sometimes what I hear is a hell of a lot funnier than what is said to me.

Often I don't hear what is said, and I will pause for an inordinate amount of time, if asked, for example, "Did you read this article about pork loin?" Since I hate pork loin and can't imagine someone asking me if I'd seen something about pork loin, and since that person is maybe munching on a piece of toast and not looking at me, I might sit there for a good half minute, considering. Did he just ask me about the article on ore coins? why would there be a recipe for that? Was there an article on ore in there? Maybe an article about snorkelling? Also another thing I don't do and have no plans to start.

So I'll sit there, deconvoluting what I hear with what could possibly have been said. Hub knows I do this and he will sometimes wait to see if I figure it out...and sometimes he'll ask what it is I've heard, obviously shooting for the possible humour factor.

As a last note about my hearing, I should point out that I don't usually wear my hearing aids at home. Many people, when they get home from work, kick off the high heels, (these people would mostly be women I assume) they pour a drink maybe, they get rid of the tight clothes and don the sweat pants etc. Me, the first thing I do when I'm through the door is pull the hearing aids out of my head. What relief! Hearing all the time is tiring; taking the hearing aids out is like snuggling under a fuzzy blanket. It's crap for watching tv, but then we caption most of the good shows anyway (Battlestar Galactica and Family Guy are absolute musts on the caption list. Don't believe me? Watch the shows with captioning, you'll never go back to trying to understand every word that Stewie says.). When people come to visit sometimes I'll put the hearing aids in, but once I'm used to the way my visitors talk, I take the aids out again.

The really really last thing is that if I tell you I'm deaf, and you're talking to me? I'll order you around so that I can hear you, or at least understand what you're saying to me. Lucky for me I'm pushy and demanding when I want to be. If you're mumbling, I will ask you once to look at me when you speak (I'll even say please). If you forget, I will remind you but I won't ask, and I will continue to remind you until you get used to looking at me when you talk. If you put your hands in front of your face I will stop you mid-word and make you start again. Yeah, okay, I'm a pain in the ass but it's only fair: if you're speaking to me, I should be able to understand what is being said, and if I can't then it's not really a fair conversation. I'm thinking back to interview day : First, he mumbled. Then he mumbled louder with his hand near his mouth. Then he looked away and pontificated. Eventually I got a straight question out of him.

Really. If you want to talk to me, it's on my terms.