Plays Well with Others

The other day I was looking for some paperwork. I looked all over the house for the particular papers, to no avail. I also looked at a book my mother had kept for me, full of birthday cards and some of my elementary school report cards. From Grade 1 to Grade 5, two comments recurred:

Hilary is very quick at math.

Hilary’s creative writing is excellent. She writes very interesting short stories.

I don’t know what one does with a double whammy in math and creative writing; it also turns out that I did well in French, but I think that’s related to the math. Is one supposed to turn out to be a writer, or a mathematician? Since I turned out to be a PhD chemist with a slight flair for writing … my supervisors through grad school and beyond always commented on my writing skills rather than my scientific skills … I guess we can conclude that there’s the answer to that question can be found between the lines.

I’d just as soon not be a chemist any more, and I’d prefer to volunteer my spare time “to the greater good” rather than to gainful employment. I’d also rather write than be a chemist….and I remember very clearly, as a child, writing when I wasn’t reading. Math and science were just sidelines.

So why, as an adult, would I choose science? Several reasons, one of the main ones being that I knew that as a scientist I would always be able to get a job and support myself. I could be independent. I could escape a bad relationship. I could make my family proud of me. I could have an identity as a woman in science. I could have an identity, period.

I just don’t need that identity any more. When I left my job and didn’t get a subsequent one in my field, I was devastated for a short time. I was also free. I knew I was free, even as I was trying to figure out how we were going to make ends meet because I wasn’t working any more. I knew I could finally just sit back and figure out what it was that I wanted to do with myself…and what I wanted to do, was to make a difference. Volunteer, or find paid work that was truly fulfilling. Knit for charity. Walk my kids to school. Sit in the sun.

And yet, I find myself employed for the next six months or so, doing science as a highly skilled technician. I don’t feel any attachment for the job, and I will be happy to walk away from it when the contract is over. How odd that a year ago I was hoping against hope that I’d be considered for an academic position, in fact, that I’d be continuing my work as a chemistry professor. I think that a lot more people were upset that I didn’t get a job than I was, and since they were upset so was I. Alone, I was relieved.