To Whom It May Concern

Dear Agency Person:

I saw this ad on your website and I was totally taken with it. I know that I am the perfect person for this position, and by hiring me every problem you have ever encountered will evaporate into the ether. Not a day will go by that you don't offer living sacrifices to the JobGods who've sent me to you.

A bit of background: I have recently moved and left a tenured, associate professorship (I know, I can hardly believe it either!) at a small university in a small city not here, to find myself unemployed through no fault of my own. Therefore, I am searching desperately for something to do that will take me away from my children as much as possible, and lo and behold, your ad appears.

I have gobs of managerial experience and have dealt with many pig-headed, misogynist, racist and passive-aggressive types, as well as outright bullies and power-mongering bitches; inevitably I have been able to get them to do what I want, the way I want it. Magic powers or just a well-connected net of inside information? I'm sure I don't need to answer that question. I've dealt with many very nice and pleasant people too, and have often found that what's sweet and shiny on the outside is usually hard and bitter on the inside.

I am also an exemplary teacher, as any of my former students will tell you. I pulled a lot of strings for those people, they'd bloody better be grateful and appreciative. I also fed them.

In short, I'd like to reiterate that you need look no further than my resume to know that the perfect candidate has been bestowed upon you. I can manage, I can teach, I can make things happen. Hire me, I'll show you.

Sincerely,
Hilary

(disclaimer: this letter is in no way representative of any of my former employment situations, and I don't expect living sacrifices, but I won't be surprised if they happen.)