Ron James and a Dry Martini

A couple of months ago, Hub and I saw Ron James perform here in town. He's a very funny little man from the East Coast and I love his shows. The CBC loves him too and he's on tv right now, "Quest for the West". He's got a typical east coast accent and he plays it up, even though he lives in Toronto all the time, anyway, he was on about eating Alberta beef, how he never stopped doing it even during the mad cow scare. "A lot of people commented on the fact that they weren't going to eat meat any more, "oooh, you never know what's in it, the hormones and the chemicals..." Well I now live in the large metropolis of Toronto, and I've just come through a summer of breathing a noxious concoction of everything from mouse turds to Martian dust, and I should be worried about a t-bone steak that I just ordered 68 jesusminutes ago? There's already such a buildup of chemicals and whatnot in my system, I'm lucky I haven't grown a set of tits and a tail!"

He goes on along a lot like that and to watch him is hilarious. He makes regional jokes, depending on where he's doing his routine...so while he was here he was on about the agricultural industry (this town is founded on an agricultural college) and some jokes people could take, and some they couldn't. Even watching that was amusing.

We should laugh at ourselves more often. Make a joke, and take one. Lighten up a bit.

A Nice, Dry Martini, with Variations

I am a big fan of gin; my mother used to drink it with orange juice when I was a kid and I would sip it. I like bitter flavours, I find them very refreshing. When BF1 and I were old enough to go to the bar, we would go out for supper on Friday nights and drink tom collins' afterwards, and then drive home ... but we were young and the laws were too. (The new Archbishop of Toronto is Tom Collins, grew up in the city we live in, left a post as Archbishop of Edmonton to come to the Big Smoke. His mentor was Bishop Carlo Martini. Really.) Anyway, I've spent a lifetime with gin in its various forms, and I have now, finally graduated to martinis. My favourite gins are Hendricks, Number 10 (by Tanqueray) and South, and when slumming I drink Bombay Sapphire. All of these are quite fine products, and each has their own particular flavour. It's not the same as scotch drinking of course, and that's a topic for another day.

So, for a dry martini, here's what I do. I have, from Paderno, a set of little teeny measuring spoons : a smidgen, a pinch and a dash, in order of increasing size. If I'm making one martini for myself, then I use a smidgen of dry vermouth....if it's gin bonus days at the liquor store and you get one of those little airplane-sized bottles of Martini and Rossi Vermouth, that's enough to last you about five months. Seriously.

Firstly, you take three ice cubes and put them in a little zip-lock baggie, and then you smash them with your meat mallet. You have no meat mallet? A hammer will do, but a hammer is so unwieldy and able to dent your floors or cause other problems. Get yourself a nice wooden meat mallet. Even if all you ever do with it is smash ice cubes for your drinks you've bought one of the most important tools for the kitchen.

Okay, so you've smashed the ice cubes. Now put them into your martini shaker....oh dear god, you don't have one of those either? Get thee to Home Outfitters, and while you're there get a meat mallet. You see? Multitasking.

But you're thirsty now! Okay, put the ice into a glass jar for which you have a lid. Or a thermos. Something. Now, one martini, right? Measure out two ounces of gin and add a smidgen of vermouth. Shake the stuff together enthusiastically, and strain into a nice glass that has two giant green olives on a stick in it. If you have some ice chips put them in with the drink too, and go sit somewhere quiet and take your first little sip of heaven. Ahhhhh.......

Variations: I have a good friend who doesn't bastardize his gin with anything, so he just shakes it up with some ice and then decants to his glass containing an olive or a curl of lemon rind, no vermouth. I have heard of this abomination called a "Dirty Martini" and my only comment is NO. Olive juice has no business in that perfect glass of gin. Don't do it. My dad says that the perfect martini is made by shaking the gin with the ice, and adding to a glass with a coating of vermouth. The way to do this is to add a bit of vermouth to your glass, and swirl around until the glass is coated, then pour out the excess vermouth. This is pretty close to a smidgen. Any attempts to "sweeten up" the gin are futile, just don't drink the gin if you can't appreciate its bright junipery flavour with just a touch of coriander...or in the case of Hendricks, rose petals and cucumber. Enjoy.